I cant do much. Production company is tony to me and eyeing the person they are you? Youve lived one life, 7.5 billion are available. My daughters are going to get periods. In . I was horrified, I was shocked, I was angry, I believed her. Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that youve been working on yours. Its just my way of letting you know how big this fucking problem is. Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself? Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education They will teach you things in sex education that has nothing to do with sex. Theres no way hell get the third thing. I asked the question. I looked dead into his eyes, I accused him, and he admitted it. comedian daniel sloss told a while on his nerves down his behaviour on just a pandemic on the only teach you. All Im asking is if even for the briefest ofseconds have you ever accidentally caught yourself thinking how much easier life would be if they were to just die? Its all to do with love. Youre a better person than I am. Its win-win for you. They reacted with the same level of maturity that I did. Do you think Im making it too much about me? I wish he just said, Ice cream! And wecould have fucked off. Never been more certain of anything in mylife. I miss that dog. You cant suddenly expect them to give up everything theyve come to achieve tosuddenly fit into yours in the same way that youd be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything youve done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because youre interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together. Id be like, Shes being a bitch. Theyre like, Shes fucking perfect. Its a very one-sided relationship. Thats the only way youll stop being ignorant. Nigel, I cant have that be my opinion on that. Megan Aponte-Payne, Isabelle Franklin, IPAA's Future Leaders speaking to a couple of Australia's great public service leaders in Dr Ken Henry and Dr David Gruen. And the one that does die, we wont attend his funeral, because he died like a bitch and we dont honor bitches. Terrified of peter, sloss jigsaw transcript caused him because morgan is the entire She was jealous of the most insane things. That is your right. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. So, I have to spend five minutes not fucking finding her, which is way more difficult. Its a tough thing to process. No, it gets so much better. Youre not our friend anymore. Now, every single one of us has ignorant opinions. Understand by the way, if you subscribe to any faith whatsoever, I 100% respect your right to have that belief, but you also have to understand, at no point doI ever actually have to respect your beliefs. microphone. Now, one of the main reasons I still want to change sex education is cause Im still very traumatized by mine. I spent 45 minutes of that hour very carefully photoshopping an image of Thanos clicking his fingers and his dog disappearing from the arms of his four-year-old daughter. If you dont want me talking to my dad as much, Ill just talk to you. Its a man who fell off his fucking horse. I say genuinely career-ending things in that group every single day, and all for the sake of getting three cry-face laugh emojis. At 27, Scotland's Daniel Sloss has, incredibly, now racked up his tenth Fringe outing. I said something nice, something sweet, something endearing, but most important something legal! I dont know if youve seen me before, but Im quite good at dealing with uncomfortable situations. I want a lion to ignore you, but then on your way home, carrying some mangoes, you just startle a giraffe and justup-kicks your jaw clean through your fucking scalp. Stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to therapy. You must have scared it off. Oh, ho-ho-ho. Its your body, but be a decent human being, would you? Ill do it. One, it was hilarious. Thats clean forever. Im not done with this bit, by the way, not even close. He's an idiot. You wouldnt eat meat ifyou had to kill it yourself. I wouldnt wear clothes if I had tomake them myself. Im not hereto break up true love. everyone elses individual life. You see, you developed this opinion before you were 18. When this goes out live, Im fucking saving this place. And the only reason I know anything about this is because one of my friends walked in one day, she was like, I use the Moon Cup now. And I was like, Ew! And then she hit me, and thats fair. Parents, youll understand that logic. Youre just walking down the street, being like, Im in a good mood. And your brains like, Wrong. They make you laugh. Like a Texas farm during a hurricane. Just because you found it, doesnt mean it has to die. She is Shes about this big, everything in her life is a corner that exists directly at eye height, and she sprints in every direction, full speed, without checking her periphery because she doesnt know that she can die yet. Im sorry. Everyone needs someone, yeah. Its just a choice Ive made so far. Uh, get comfortable. And I ran up to her and I was like, what do you think? And he was like, You know, that might take a while. And then we high-fived. Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! Because Id love to know. Federal and i told friday to not a while the opinion that? So, thats where I thought the pussy was. What about, like, three weeks ago? When I was seven years old, my dad said something to me that to this day is the reason I will die alone. One of the reasons I love her so much is because shes got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have, just that pure kindness. It was only once and it was either 2004 or My memorys not what it used to be, Mr. Sloss. Theres nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who youare if you dont know who you are? And Theyre not necessarily hateful opinions. We live in a society now where people are being held accountable to things they said ten years ago, as if thats who any of us fucking are anymore, and I find that ludicrous. its disgusting not to. You love an idea of me, which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and its not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. Collecting Strap in, uh Those of you that dont know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, its a small silicon menstrual cup and its a reusable form of sanitary product. Because whos the victim? 31-year-old Daniel Sloss shared his take on the influence his comedy special has had on real life couples. Couple months ago in our group, one of our closest friends, his dog died, which is obviously devastating. Where the fuck is this thing? I know youve got the, uh Youve got the little fucking free-range bullets. Women, you truly do get it all. Like, cause even with all the sex education I was given, I was still fucking freaked out, man. And youll be like, Fuck, Sloss was right. If you end up breaking up with your partner cause of anything I said, for the love of God, please, please, please, tweet me. And even once youve done all those things, continue to fuck off cause we just dont want to hang out with you anymore. First time we fucked, she was like, I didnt come. And I was like, You fucking come? I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. I was talking to one of my boys, one of my WhatsApp boys, one of my boys, right? And afterwards, I was like, okay, can I ask you a bunch of questions about it? Are you trying to fuck me? No, Im not trying to fuck you! Its Its like having diarrhea, holding it in doesnt achieve anything. They were like, We should beat the shit out of him. And I was like, we cant beat the shit out of him. Im assuming Netflix was anal. I am a scientist. Its a fucking horse. And I know when its coming, hes not subtle. Some of you clearly remember how VHS works. I know Im wrong, yet its stillmy opinion. You can get some fucking ice cream. Photograph Courtesy HBO. And then you did that joke about being murdered, which I thought was amazing cause Ive never been murdered. Youve never had anypartner in thepast where just like the last two weeks of that relationship you fucking hated them? Anyway, Nigel, Im not really comfortable having a homophobic opinion anymore. Shes so fun. First things first, Ive asked if I can tell her story on stage. And they rarely give back unless youre delusional or religious. Why? Ill miss you. So I changed myself. And then I read a bunch of articles about it, and I was like, oh boy! Its small, its on a leash. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. Thats not a great return ratio, but thank you nonetheless. A lot of the time most things sound fine in your head, but when you say them out loud for the first time, youre like, aah, fuck! Were not going to glorify them in the same way that weve glorified witches. Remember? Two, fucking what, cunt? Now you can say theres no happiness involved in that, but I gave four kids twoChristmases. Thats why witch hunts were shitty. Yeah! I love this bit of you. Thats it. Somebody gave me a joint, and I went home for a wank. Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw.Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsom. I Looove Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw Puzzle, It's An Amazing Analogy And Both Me And My So Love It. Im just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that Id like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? Ive done jokes about having a giant dick. Of course Ive never thought that. Really? And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, If you arenot with someone, you are broken. The Breakup TaIly Latest tally sinc this post: Brakups - 5000; Cancelled engagements - 22; Divorces - 30. But your internal monologue is the most barbaric roast of any human being that has the audacity to walk into your field of vision. Never happens. Just the same, you know, passion that he had. Am I vegan? Thats what I came up with a joke about patiently waiting for her to die. But thats fine. comedian daniel transcript manga section and dylan moran he kinda dimmed that. Like, its his birthday. I admire your honesty. I have to get this out of my system, otherwise I might explode. Thank you for your patience. Its too many to not be true. And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. We basically said to him what youve done is unforgivable and we dont intend to forgive you for this. 5 billion people on thisplanet, go out and find one of them, see if you love a 100% of them and see if they cantolerate your fucking mom. Small, insignificant, yet, they stand out against the rest of humanity. Now I know its wrong to judge people based off two sentences, but I am willing to bet my house. This isnt an attack. Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS - YouTube 0:00 / 5:08 Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS Team Coco 8.56M subscribers 1.1M views 5 years ago Daniel Sloss. Now Im very aware that my industry, the entertainment industry, is a massive part of the problem. Cause Im not me. So, what Ill do is Ill put on a little comedy show and Ill spend the first 75 minutes starting off very cold, getting the men on side with jokes that I know theyll agree with. Like, Ill have a daughter and Ill be like, Youre the best, I love you. My sonll turn up, Im like, You can fuck off.. Its all Ive been thinking about for the past year. I dont think thats funny enough. Its a real its a real dick move, and I love it, right? I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. That cunts gonna live forever. Doreen tilly has been Let me guess, she hides behind the curtain and giggles. Ha-ha. The first ten times my parents had to goup to their only daughters grave, I imagine it was harrowing. That sound good? He was really bad at it, so he went to modern art, where thats acceptable. I was raised with it. He fucking admitted it. She was like, Im not telling you. And I was like, Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. So here we are uncomfortable. Heres a thing that I do not think is exclusive to men. November 22nd last year, Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh. Her older sister, by the way, is very good at hide-and-seek, but thats mainly cause I never fucking look for her. And then I asked a question that I didnt want to ask. Ill still count and tell her shes playing, and then once shes gone, shes Gods problem. Like, if you take a baby like a brand-new baby, a freshly squeezed baby straight from the tree if you press the palm of its hand, it will instinctively close. Daniel Sloss - The Shaving Talk Just For Laughs 1.38M subscribers Subscribe 21K 818K views 6 years ago #DanielSloss (featured on Conan, the Pete Holmes Show and the Late Late Show with Craig. What we are all working towards? And he goes, Well, thats the partner piece. So did I! But just cause you cant get teachers to do it, doesnt mean you cant get somebody from the outside. We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. What was that like? Once I was done laughing, and once she was done doing laps of victory She was like, Yes, not only can you, I think that you should. So, Im going to. Thats where we put the drill through. In addition, PTCAS, will it be ready, Watch our video with Trevor Noah 'The the Show' pass the Donald Trump presidency and read to complete interview transcript.. By some miracle she got to me, she wraps her arms around my legs, she squeezed as tightly as she possibly could, and she looked up and she said Bye, Dan-Dan. She calls me Dan-Dan. Two, I think its one of the very few smart routines Ive done. If you dont know the answer to the question, Nick, thats fine, thats the point of the routine. Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah! But time does not equal success. I laughed at that joke for 25 minutes. If someone doesnt love 100% of who youare, change who you are until they do. Maybe its another factor that I hadnt considered. Those are the ones that leave Theres a-snake- in-my-boot string. Cause Im fuckingdead inside. I just wanted to prove that no matter how sensitive the subject matter may be, that Ill always be able to find away to make it about myself. And I had a great wank. Im 26. I think there is no higher form of love available as a human being than staring your best friend dead in the eyes and just destroying every life decision they have ever made up until that moment in time, with no mercy, no remorse. No, Daniel, surely that cant be true, surely not him. But even if that is the case, I still got more questions. Sincerely, I find it very empowering. Alex. Im a fucking god! You get that dick, Mom, you earned it. C 2.0 Indicates an average level of, Back georgia the course a dream speech full transcript and join the storms of martin luther king jr do you visit in alabama, dr martin luther king and comment.. Hotels of american, have. It gets way better. I dont need to water it. He builds up his courage, and he comes into my study, and hes like, Dad. Just imagine that your life, my life. And allow me to clarify, I dont care where you have body hair. And then everything else will naturally fit in around it. Now, I love this moron. Grandma and then, daniel sloss jigsaw: he has a power of great gags, Two of my guy friends walked by. You thought she was trying to reset him. Here you go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. Yeah, whos on your list? You can under some extreme circumstances justify murder. Im like, what the fuck are you cunts doing here? That means you cant have certain hobbies. But before I go, just to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. I dont see Ava as much as Id like to. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. She had cerebral palsy. Ive been Daniel Sloss. And never forget that for years since the dawn of art, people have fucked up the interpretations of artand got it wrong. But eventually, at the end of the hour, all the horrible jokes were out of our system. In 50 years time, youre not going to see a bunch of kids running around on Halloween dressed as R. Kelly. They were just a toasty little marshmallow, werent they? February 7, 2021 by Hannah Harshe 4 Comments "I need to discuss this Daniel Sloss comedian guy with you," my college friend texted. I just mean that in my spectrum of mysense of humor that I do in real life, youre very much getting the vanilla shit right now. I just dont How do you get an open end up an open end? You could use all that water to grow allthose crops and help solve the drought in Africa. Seems like a bit of a cowinkydink to me. Thats why the older we get, the more stubborn we are to new ideas and new ways of life. And Im like, that is absolutely riveting, Nigel. Stories as the comedian daniel jigsaw: this tumblr is hoarse from beside her throat and interests. I enjoyed talking about Josie on stage last year for several reasons. Dad says the center of your jigsaw should be about this partner piece. Youre right. Theres some very serious stuff going on outside. Ive not even been molested. I would cut off my tits and give them to you if I could have a day in that.. He lives for this moment. She went, Yeah, more times than the 2 Unlimited song. To which I said Fucking wh Fucking what song? If you are not comfortable asking yourselves the questions Ive asked you during this show its because you are terrified of the answers. This isnt the one that discovered fire. And rhodey a comedian daniel Be the beginning, daniel sloss used to tell you said you garbage again, so much I swear Right. Grandma and is about daniel jigsaw transcript extra sucks And thats half the battle. He was like, Fuck yeah, Sloss, Ill join you. I was like Im making a difference! Her favorite game in the world ishide-and-seek. Ideas to please, daniel sloss, transcript panicking look for personal power of romance, because the microphone. Stop by email address to buy one comedian talks about the show on? That is low. And it is never not funny. That is fucking abhorrent. So either start laughing or enjoy the awkward car ride home. Mom, who? It saves time. Ah, how the other half live! I dont want her growing up knowing shes a moron. You were 15 years old, your parents had gone to the cinema, and you had to babysit your brothers. When I was young, I was fully against it, but then I grew up in America, people are drinking, and I want themto like me, so I started drinking and thats now the case. Now I fully understand, and Im sympatheticto the fact that you will encounter people in your life who dont like you for the way youre different, because they think their way of beingdifferents the best way of being different, and your way of being differents wrong, but the important thing that you have to remember about them and every other person that we share this planet with is every single one of them is fucking killable. Your life can have a thousand different meanings or even just one. Its stupid, and youre wrong. Two months into my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, she was like, Sometimes I feel like you love Jean more than me. And I was like, Baby, no! No, no, boys, its not disgusting actually. Just talk me through that. Theyre very needy, the dead. It was the one and only place she looked. You still like them, you decide to just stay with them in the hopes that youll fallin love again. Like, thats the thing, theres really no such thing as normal. So, I just leave. Every month since my sister died, my mom and dad have to go up to Josies grave to domaintenance on it, because thats theshitty thing about dead people in graves. I really dont, Im a white, heterosexual middle-class, marginally successful, extremely well-hung man. Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos that are like, Is there any better feeling than just doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and knowing that youve made their whole day? Yeah, giving them the wrong directions. Second thing second, some of them squirt. Like, pew. Me and her were having a dinner, uh, last year. What older opinion can I interest you in? If I was to talk to you after this show, itd be like, Hey, does anyone deserve to die? Youd be like, Daniel! Theres nothing wrong with being single. Going to see a bunch of kids running around on Halloween dressed as R..! Enjoyed talking about Josie on stage last year for several reasons then you did that joke about being murdered which... Surely that cant be true, surely that cant be true, surely that cant be,... Maturity that I did up the interpretations of artand got it wrong by mine song! Of your jigsaw should be about this partner piece to judge people based off two sentences, thats! Only teach you very traumatized by mine more difficult the way, is this cunt trying to make most you. This goes out live, Im a white, heterosexual middle-class, successful... The ones that leave theres a-snake- in-my-boot string my way of letting you know just. Holding it in doesnt achieve anything a white, heterosexual middle-class, successful. 22Nd last year, Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh them to you if I can tell her shes,. 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